An odd feeling overcame me today as I sat down at another computer I hadn't touched since Friday. I saw that the person I had called a friend on Friday was still on my contact list. At home I had removed him already since he had taken the liberty of removing me from his Steam Friends list and had been ignoring everything I'd said to him over MSN for days. Every time I would open my contact list at home, I'd get excited to see a friend online which sucks since immediately after I always had that "oh wait" feeling of disappointment. Even if I wanted to talk to him, it isn't like he'd reply. So that's why his contact card ended up in the trash. I can re-add him later if things change.
What is there for me to do in this first post-chaos day in Normal Time? Let's go over what my fragments of consciousness have to say:
My internal optimist is inexperienced, and it shows because it wants me to somehow reconcile everything and get back to being a big happy group of friends. Since my friend (which I will continue to call Larry) won't respond to me, this means I need to talk to the one I will continue to refer to as Kate. This is not an easy accomplishment since calling or messaging Kate is likely to end up as a communication intercepted by Larry. They have that kind of relationship to where they're both extremely distrustful of each other and read each other's emails, message histories, text messages, etc. Larry even makes a habit of keeping Kate's phone for days on end and pretending to be her on MSN and email. She is equally nosy but does not have the penchant for masquerading as the other person. As you can tell, it will be difficult for me to get in contact with her even if I want to. Should I be successful though, I'm not sure how she'll respond. She has clearly played me out to do exactly what happened, but she has a vested interest in being mad at me for the same reason that she played me to begin with. Chances of success: 35%
My internal pessimist is old and tired by this point in my life. It complains about low wages and long hours, but that's just the kind of guy it is. It wants me to cut these people off from my circle and throw away the key followed by a "good mad" that propositions a snarl from my face every time I so much as hear their names. This is impractical and would be ultimately futile because this is not the kind of person I am. No matter what a person does to me, I have a hard time staying angry at them. I always just want to make up and go on because that internal optimist in me has such a loud mouth at times. Chances of success: 15%
My internal realist likes to *surprise* be realistic and level-headed about things when possible. It draws from both my internal optimist and pessimist and takes the middle ground. This isn't always a good strategy, but some times it is still the best one. What it wants to do with this case is uncertain. It has two distinct ideas:
1) Forget about the people but without the angry connotation. Just move on and look for new ways to exercise the social tendencies like watching movies and playing games. It remembers that it wasn't me who did anything wrong to begin with and that the only people who are sore here are the drama movie team. Chances of success: 85%
2) Try to make up as well as is possible but then write them out of future interaction. It realizes that these aren't the kinds of people that I should be around in the first place since they obviously don't respect me. This would provide some closure and still accomplish the same end result of disassociation. Chances of success: 45%
So those are my options as I see them. Current predictions lead me to believe my inner realist is going to try its #2 idea first at this point. If that doesn't pan out, it'll probably be down to its #1.
The spot light has kicked on and I'm standing here holding the bag. At least I learned something about who I was hanging out with.
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