Taxes are Hard

For the first time in my life, I've had to prepare taxes.  As a kid I always knew that adults hated taxes for some reason, and I grew up with a reflex to the word.  Just hearing "taxes" put a negative connotation into my mind that could go as far as to evoke a frown.

Now that I'm actually doing my own for the first time, things are different.  There isn't any reason to hate them because of money.  It's pretty much like doing a little paper work and them mailing me a check for a grand and a half.

Taxes are hard, though.  Perhaps they aren't in and of themselves difficult, but as I try to prepare them I always find something that comes up to stop me before being able to.  Currently, this is due to not knowing how much financial aid I received for my last semester of college during Spring 2008.  It was under a thousand bucks, but I have no idea how much.  They also want me to tell them how much of it was used directly for schooling related expenses.  I don't know the answer to either thing.  It's not like I kept a log of receipts for everything I required and marked if each item was a requirement of everyone in the class or just useful for school.  They want to tax you on as much as possible.

Oh well.  I'll have to try and work it out as best I can.  Later today I will again be calling the college to see if they have a record of how much was distributed to me.  I have no way of knowing.

Taxes suck.

Return of the Curse

I should have known better.  I just HAD to do it.  Yesterday, I spoke with a friend about the possibility of going to Applebee's this Thursday.  It has been a few weeks since our last trip, and they make a really nice burger.  Thursday seemed like an arbitrarily good day for the event since there won't be a weekend crowd there, and Friday is part of the Lenten no-meat tradition.

So what happened?  Today I find out that one of my friend's (who usually goes with me to Applebee's on these trips) mother's siblings has been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and may shortly expire.  I really just don't get it.  It kind of started as a joke, but lately it seems like every time I so much as externally communicate a desire to go, something increasingly bad happens.

Yes, I know it's all pure coincidence, but it still sucks.

The Difference a Weekend Makes

Here's the strange thing.  Just last week I was going on about how nothing seemed like it could be worth my time due to the limited nature of the duration of life.  This simple fact is pretty well a universal truth, but I don't think most people really confront that issue on a daily basis.  It is more of a question of weekend reflection or semi-annual career examination.

Today I feel worlds apart from how I did just last Thursday.  While the truth of the matter hasn't changed, I simply don't care.  I'm back to general operation mode where I'm living for the moment and not spending all of my time in the past or present.  This is a great place to be.  It's the normal place people exist that keeps them sane enough to operate effectively in society.

There is a punch line to this joke, however.  If past experience has taught me anything, this moment of clarity will pass and I'll be back to one of my two extremes:
1)  Not letting go of the past
2)  Trying desperately to figure out the future

Oh well.  That doesn't much matter at the moment.  More important things are aloof...things such as Applebee's on Thursday.  =)  Yum.

The Secret of Time

Not long ago, I realized that there was another force at work on me regarding my general sense of post-childhood depression.  In earlier posts, I've explored some of the concepts regarding how it seems I've come to this position, but this is something completely new.  Only today did I even realize what it was in a way that could be put into words.

Simply put, there is a secret truth to time that is hidden from people when they are still children.  Children know that they'll grow up, get old, and eventually die, but it's not something that really gets processed.  It's just random fluff knowledge like knowing the names of different kinds of apples.  It's information and it is there but it doesn't really impact one's life.

The secret of course is the realization that time is truly limited.  It runs out.  By the time someone gets to their early 20s, they have used between a quarter and a third of their likely time on Earth already.  That's a big portion.  That's a scary portion.  I can remember back to around 5th or 6th grade where I had a mini-realization that I would eventually die.  Somehow, I managed to push this from my mind but it happened during story time after lunch one day.  When it hit that "I", as a concept, would eventually cease to exist at some point, I was completely paralyzed.  It lasted for about a minute.  That was the first time I'd really discovered the fact that time is limited, but it didn't really bind.  It was just a five minute eighth-life crisis similar to what I suppose I am going through in my quarter-life one except in terms of duration.

Now, the problem is primarily that nothing I seem to do or don't do but could perceivably do really seems worth it now that it is so clear time is limited.  That must be a major part of the discontent I've felt over the last year.  I do the same thing every day, and I fear that I will quickly find myself on the exiting end of youth entirely having wasted it.  I won't have done any of the things that people my age supposedly do, done things that mattered, etc.  I'll be completely unable to return and still marching forward toward eventual expiration.  THAT is depressing.

Perhaps now that I realize what it is I'm up against, there is a chance that I can come to terms with it and proceed.  After all, it's a bit ironic that the very fear of not using one's limited time wisely causes a person to not do anything at all.  Cosmic irony rears its head once again.

The Life of a Service Provider

When considering who I am, I tend to define myself as the sum of what surrounds me.  I'm a network administrator because that's my job.  I'm an overclocker because it is a hobby.  And I'm a service provider because it provides a feeling of usefulness.

Specifically, I've been hosting Particle's Custom RPG since the early months of 2001.  While the exact date I started hosting has long been lost in the confusion of history, I celebrate the server's anniversary on Valentine's Day each year.  As such, it just recently turned eight years old.  During that time there have been a lot of ups and downs.  Today, now that I finally have come to appreciate the feeling my server provides, I realize that it is probably coming to an end.  It would figure that I wouldn't appreciate what I had until it is beginning to wane, but that's just how life works most of the time.

In my case, the Tribes master servers (the place the Tribes game looks to for a listing of game servers) shut down late last year.  Ever since then there have been very few newbies.  What does that mean for my server's future?  It means that player counts are pretty low right now, and once the people who already knew about my server have their fill and move on there won't be anyone coming in behind them to take their places.  The end.

It wasn't that long ago that we still had a lot of people playing.

It's funny how these things can effect a person.  It's not like the server is a family member or close friend, but it may as well be a beloved family pet--faithfully there and often out-of-mind until it is gone.  I suppose I need to find something new to host now that my importance has diminished so far in the Tribes community.  That's not easy to do.  There are way more hosts for everything than there ever are players.

Today is a sad day.

To use a quote from Scout:
"The grass grows, birds fly, the sun shines, and brother...I host things."

The Applebee's Curse

One week ago today, I wrote about something I like to call Applebee's Day.  I also continued and went over how every time I get a trip together, something comes up to ruin the fun.

In a bit of cosmic irony, last Thursday such an event did occur.  The driver's mother's best friend's son had killed himself between when I posted about the curse and when we were supposed to leave.  Our driver ended up taking us anyway, and I don't blame him.  I'd want to get some room and have a chance to get my mind off of it too.

The point, however, is that Applebee's Day does usually seem to be accompanied by The Applebee's Curse.  Today we are supposed to go again (and with another friend tagging along), and I just have to wonder what horrible punishment the universe is coming up with to nail me this time.

Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll just be something like my meal being excessively salty again.  I can live with that.

Geoff's Secret Book of Computer Truthiness

I've started a miniature book today that I will carry around in my coat pocket.  It is called "Geoff's Secret Book of Computer Truthiness" and contains a set of "rules" that dictate how one's job as a network administrator is to be fulfilled.

Today saw the addition of the first two rules.  The first rule is that being a network admin makes it necessary to adhere to a set of rules for one to be successful.

The second rule is more interesting.  And, for any potential coworkers reading this, realize that this isn't addressed to any of you.  It's a genericized rule for "net admins" when dealing with problems that "users" report to them.  It goes something like this:  Assume all users are idiots.  Never take for granted that a user's description of an issue is even remotely accurate.  Investigate and find out for yourself before acting (or deciding not to act)!

This second rule is very important.  It's basically the generalized "do your job" rule for net admins.  It's not that we can't trust our users or that they're trying to deceive us (though there exists a special class of user who DOES try to), it's that we have a level of expertise and users generally can't relate the problem accurately even when honestly trying.  So, part of the job is the personal inspection of problems--even seemingly clear ones.  This prevents serious problems from being ignored or mis-scheduled for later attention.  It also prevents minor issues like the caps lock key being on from being given undue priority over the mail server being on fire.

I'm dating when each rule is added to the book.  This might become rather interesting...maybe it will even expose a part of me to myself I was previously unaware of.

A Bit of Old, A Bit of New

Yesterday I added an FN Herstal FNP-357 to my collection of zombie-stopping devices (pictured below).  This should be an absolutely exciting event, but I noticed something...I was barely excited at all.  I don't know if this is because I've done this whole process before and thus the newness and excitement surrounding it is gone, or if it is something else entirely.  The point is that I'm finding out that hobbies are increasingly difficult to stay interested in.

What do people normally do in a situation like this?  Hello, bit of old.  The problem makes me draw upon my earlier experiences through grade school and high school to try and gain some insight.  Instead of shedding light, I'm left with the feeling that this is a post-school phenomenon.  Just like how I can't seem to get into MMOs or RPGs of any type now that I can finally afford them, I can't seem to stay interested in hobbies.

I have to wonder if part of the problem is that I'm just too rich to be having fun.  I know that sounds weird considering that I don't make a lot of money, but stop and think about it for a second.  The actual process of getting something one wanted is a lot more satisfying when the desire phase was very long.  As a child I experienced this a lot since I didn't have an income.  Every time I got something I'd wanted, it was just incredible.  These days I can just buy reasonably-priced toys at regular intervals.  Fun factor:  Meh to Meh+.

This applies to my long-time hobby of computers as well.  Back in the day I couldn't afford to upgrade it very often.  These days there isn't much left on it to upgrade in the first place.  So how much fun is it now that I'm on top-class hardware?  Not a whole lot...there's little left to yearn for.  It doesn't help when there hasn't been a push for more powerful hardware in years.  Crysis, a (late) 2007 game, is still the most graphically challenging game on the market.  It has been a year and four months since that game came out.  Where are all of the new titles that push the limit?  They are nowhere.  Most games either aren't pushing the envelope or are just console ports.  That's business, I suppose.  What it isn't is entertaining.

If life is this boring with an income of $32K, I can't imagine how bored millionaires must be.  That isn't to say being poorer is better.  It isn't practical once a person has to support him or herself.  It's just one more reason why being younger seems like more fun.