I'm Over It

In my absence from this place, something happened to me.  It wasn't really a fast change, but neither was it a particularly slow one.  Basically, I came to a point where I decided, "Enough is enough.  This nostalgia thing is tearing me in two directions--one of which is the present and future, while the other is the past."

The problem with living in the past is complex to explain, but there are a few overwhelming points that can be communicated without much difficulty.  First of all, when you are truly living in the past you are not living in the present.  I don't mean this so much in a continuity-of-time way as I do in an attention way.  If you are thinking about the past and find yourself longing for it, you don't really give a crap what is happening in the present.  Because of this, you also aren't caring about the future.  You simply will the future to be your past with all of your being, which is (of course) an utterly futile endeavor.  Secondly, when you are dwelling on the past and have that longing to return, you become depressed.  It's like when you are a child and there is some toy you really, really want...but can never have.  Only, instead of what you want being a toy which does physically exist somewhere and you can probably obtain if you nag your parents enough, you want a feeling of happiness because of a particular point in time.  This, of course, you can never get.  Ever.  And frankly, that becomes freaking depressing.

So, realizing the futility and negative consequences that were building around my core being, I decided in one night that "You know what?  I'm over it.  I can't go back, so fuck the past--future here I come."  I had said similar things before, but this time was different.  This time, for whatever reason.......I actually meant it.  I was serious about this change in that way that you can almost "feel" the truth when you're describing it or thinking of it.  I think most people call that feeling with your heart instead of your mind.  Realistically, it's probably more accurately described as believing rather than thinking, but you still get the idea.

Past be damned, I'm moving forward.

...And I'm happy again for the first time in a long time.